Facing The End of Me

Posted on 06.29.08 in Family Parenthood and there are 21 comments.

Last night, Jimmy found me sitting in the minivan, in the hot garage, in the dark. I was having my own personal meltdown.

These past few weeks have utterly and completely kicked me in the rear. For various reasons it has been extremely busy and extremely difficult.

Last year, I averaged about 4-5 hours of “free time” each day while the kids slept. Time that I could use to shower, read the Bible, run, blog and have uninterrupted conversations with Jimmy.

Now, I have about 1 hour. And while I have been trying to simplify my life - I just can’t fit everything (or anything...) into 1 hour.

I’ve tried streamlining what I do. I’ve tried to be more efficient. I gave up designing web sites. I mostly stopped reading rss feeds. I’ve stayed up WAY too late just trying to get everything on my plate done. (Much to the joy of family and friends, I’ve decided NOT to give up showering.)

I feel like I’m hanging on to the very last thread of me.

And I can’t decide if it’s something I’m supposed to hang onto or not.

Part of me doesn’t want to be “just” a mom. I know that sounds horrible, but I’m just being honest here. I adore my kids, I love being a mom, I chose to be a stay at home mom and I wouldn’t do anything differently.

But part of me still wants to own a business. And run a marathon. And work in the music industry. And write an excellent blog. And change the world.

I daydream about attending conferences. I take my kids to the office supply store for fun. My brain is constantly barraged with various business ideas. The thought of working in an office from 9-5 makes me giddy.

Right now, though, I’m called to be a mom. Full time. And more.

Craft stores give me the hives. I can’t stand being interrupted. I’m very task oriented. And I enjoy going to the bathroom alone.

Can you see why this mom-thing is a tough fit for me?

Here’s the beauty in it all...I have never been more challenged, changed and refined than I have these past six years. And I don’t think anything but a mother’s furious love could have molded me into who I am today.

God has honored me with the task of raising these three beautiful children and I will give it everything I’ve got…

Even if it means the end of me.

(Although, if you ever see me at the craft store wearing a denim applique jumper...please intervene.)

Can any other moms (or dads) out there relate? Any advice? (If not, just pretend. You know, so I don’t look stupid. Thanks.)

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I don’t have any advice, but I want you to know that I fully identify with you & I am thankful that you shared your heart.  I’ll be praying for you, friend!

"Much to the joy of family and friends, I’ve decided NOT to give up showering.”

Showers, sleep, regular meals.  They’re all over-rated.  A little deoderant, 4-5 hr continuous sleep with a 30 minute catnap during the day, lots of fruit eaten on the run, and you should be able to gain back several of those hours you lost.  You’ll just have to give up several years of your life due to stress related illnesses as a tradeoff, but its worth it to be a superhuman.

MB

First off, I salute you for being a stay at home Mom.  It is one of the hardest, and in some cases under appreciated careers you could have.  I don’t think that a lot of people recognize just how hard it is. 

I have a friend who was in a similar place as you, and what She ended up doing was going to the local Gold’s gym.  They have a room with tons of activities for kids and you can take care of the running and get some time for yourself for a dollar per kid per hour.  My gym also has parents night out once a month and for 10 dollars you get a date night and they bring in all kinds of activities for the kids.

For conferences, there is blogworld at http://www.blogworldexpo.com/ in Las vegas.  It takes place over a weekend and they have all kinds of seminars about blogging and new media.

I don’t have any advice. I felt the same way. I’m a stay at home mom too who’s in school online full time. At first, it was really hard for me. I have more than enough ME time though. I only have one son who is 10 and he’s at day camp in the summer.

I will definitely pray for you. I know what it’s like to want to do something different that what you’re doing!

I sympathize, Kat.  I love being a dad, and I love the work I do (rheology is so exciting!) but at the end of the day I wish there was more time.  After being away from the house for 10 hours in the day I get home and have a little time to power-play with the kids before dinner and bed-time routines.  Lil’E fights getting in bed as much because she just wants more time to play with me while I’m at home as for her general distaste of sleep.  Then, by the time the kids are in bed I get a few minutes with Mrs. E.  I have to stay up ridiculously late to have “me” time most often.

But, that’s just life right now.  All too soon, the kids will not want to play with me and it’ll be time for another worry.

It is my prayer that you will have some time to be alne with God. In Him I pray that you will have the stregth for the day and peace in what you are doing. my prayers are with you. remember you are changing the world “One heartbeat at a time” Everywhere you go people are seeing the light and love of Christ shine through you. I have no doubt of this. My thoughts and prayers will be wiht you.

In Christ,
Melissa Melvin

I can relate--definitely!  The only thing I can think of to tell you is just a reminder....this is temporary.  It is only a short season, even though it can sometimes feel like an eternity!  Your children are still so little and they require so much of your time and attention, but they won’t always need so much of you.  One day soon you’ll be able to attend all the conferences you want! 

These comments are great!  I hope that this shows you, Kat, how normal what you are dealing with is - those 4-5 free hours you had were a blessing for as long as you had them!  It’s been a REALLY long time since I had THAT much free time.  I think in some ways all of us - or at least I do - have a superhuman complex - wanting to do all & be all perfectly and within 24 hours.  It’s amazing how many moms I find don’t get a shower daily or need 30 minute power naps (sometimes longer!).  It is definitely a giving up of self - but only for a time - because our little ones will be gone from our homes before we know it and then we will give anything to have back that one hour of free time - because then we will have too much!  And you are so not alone - G has found me in our car in our hot garage more than once - just trying to cope!  Love ya, friend!!

I relate. Totally. 100%.

I’m a stay at home dad. Not in the traditional sense, but at a childrens home. We have our 2 year old and then 9 pregnant teens to care for.

This struggle has been raging in me for over a year now . . .

There are things I like to do (run, blog, read, write, take photographs, study), but, like you, I get maybe 2 hours of free time. Unless, of course, I want to deprive myself of sleep . . .

So, here is what my wife and I keep coming back to: God put us here.

That’s a fact. There is no doubt in my mind that God placed us at the Promise House. And, I’m sure you have no doubts whether or not it’s God’s will that you have kids and take care of them.

So, all is as it should be.

It’s hard. Some days, it’s not at all what we want. But, it’s right and good and as it should be.

So, we see ourselves on assignment, on mission. We are his servants, his ambassadors. This is the job he’s given us for this season.

We put our focus on him. We place our lives and dreams and hobbies and whatever under his rule and leadership.

When St. Augustine said “Our hears are restless until they rest in [God]” I think he might have been experiencing something similar to what you are talking about.

At the end of the day our peace, hope, joy, life, freedom, satisfaction comes from him. Because, apart from him, it doesn’t exist.

Ok. I’ve rambled way too long. I hope it helps a little.

No kids here, but my good friend who has 3-year-old twins also just joined a gym with childcare and she LOVES it.  It gives her time to think and the kids love playing there.  They go just about every day.

No kids, but I often wonder how you all do it when I am with the friends who have kids.  But like others have said, it’s a short time and then you will be wondering what your identity is post-mom.

Wanna’ hear what’s crazy? I work out “in the world” and I long to be a full-time mom.  I know that it would also be a tough fit for me as well, but it is truly what my heart desires.  I pray that God will give us this opportunity.  I just don’t want to miss my chance!

I’m a fairly new reader. (Hi). I have three kids (8,6, and 3 - the three year old is currently punching my arm with her feet as I sit on the couch). As well as being a SAHM, I also homeschool most of the year. I totally relate to not wanting to ‘just’ be a mom, but knowing this is what I am called to right now.

Two books that I read years ago, and have been thinking it might be time to read again… The Art of Family, by Gina Bria and Quotidian Mysteries, by Kathleen Norris. I find that I am most at peace and centered in my role if I keep my heart through my mind focused on the beauty and wonder of what I get to do. (And honestly, I hit that only about 50-65% of the time in a day… but I think I’m growing.)

I guess mostly I just wanted to let you know “I’m with you ‘momma’, I’m with you.” May God lavish you with His grace for today.

I am usually just a lurker here...but a regular lurker.  And I did have to double check and make sure this really was YOUR blog and not something I had written in my blog during one of my zombie states that I find myself in as a stay-at-home mom of 4 and just for kicks, raise horses as well - in case there might be some spare time that sneaks up on me there!  Wouldn’t want to be left without something to do you know!  I can remember a morning just recently where I was in tears talking to a friend (another mom, but only one kid) and I said “You know those days where everything clicks, the kids are good, the toast comes out of the oven just right, the sun is shining, and you think to yourself, “Yeah, this is why I am a mom!”?  Today is NOT one of those days...”

But one night you’ll hit the jackpot and get an extra couple hours of sleep, and then you’ll realize it’s really not as bad as it feels some days (like today...).  And yes, it is REALLY worth it.

I once listened to a preaching tape (I guess I just dated myself there) by Elbert Willis, from somewhere in Louisiana.  It was called “controlling your thoughts.” I listened to that tape about 20 times, mostly to brainwash myself. 

There was one part in his sermon that said (in very cajun-like talk) “you can’t stop birds from flying over, but you don’t have to let me build a nest.  You can also control the thoughts that come into your mind.  When the devil puts a bad thought in there, kick it out.”

It helped me alot.  It was REALLY hard for me to do, but it helped. 

Take heart Kat.  Every stay at home mom goes through this.  I know dozens, and none would admit to it in public because we are supposed to be “super-christians” and not be weak. 

But the reality is, all go through it. Hang in there, this too shall pass.  Be encouraged that you have so many friends Kat.  I wish Mrs. D and I would have had good friends to lean on while fighting through our days with small kids.

Its a little odd the way it happens.  You feel the pressure to be the perfect parent with the perfect life, and when you fail to be that way, you feel you have failed.  And no one else will admit to having the same issues as you most of the time, when in reality EVERYONE struggles with lots of things. 

I’ve seen the pastor’s wife in tears.  I’ve listened to the deacon’s cry with my wife.  Even those we idolize as being beyond those issues, have those issues.

Be strong Kat, your gonna make it.

I’m a stay home Dad. Two boys ages 12 and 9. It’s starting to go by too fast. I’ve probably only got four years left with my oldest. As hard as it’s been I’d do it again, and come to the end of me a lot sooner than I did the first time around.

Oh my word, Kat. I could have written those exact words at any moment the past couple weeks. (well maybe not as eloquently. and w/o the marathon part. and my husband’s name isn’t Jimmy...)

I feel ya. Hoo boy. Heading off to spend some time in prayer rightthisminute.

Thanks for your honesty… and know that you’re not alone… how many times have I stepped away from my blog?… or started something new?… and while I love my kids and want to be home… it’s when those hours stretch into days and the days stretch into weeks until I get a moment to have an adult conversation away from my children… and the responsibility that comes with that… well, I’m refreshed when I can get away for a couple of hours.

I’m with ya sista…

Oh, I can totally relate. Except that I’ve been sacrificing showers! LOL. I SAY that my kids are my first priority, but then I try to squeeze too many of my own interests and hobbies in. Because I’m also an introvert who desperately needs a little quiet time.

So much so that I’ve been showering only every other day. LOL.

I think every mom has this struggle. I know it’s something that I wrestle with EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I am an incredibly selfish person and I hate that about myself.  Just keep trying is the best advice I can give.  Seek God, and seek encouragement from others who have been in or are in your place.  {{hugs}}

I totally get what you’re saying. I have a 6 month old son and a 2.5 year old daughter. My last little bit of “free time” recently got sucked up when we started feeding our son solids. Now it seems I get five minutes here and there… But I’m always wanting more. I have to remind myself all the time that this is just a short period in my life and that I’m building little people here.
I found you through wfmw… I’ll definitely be back

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