How To Relate To Your Pregnant Wife

Posted on 02.07.07 in Pregnancy and there are 8 comments.

This is a 7 step process that requires some commitement, so be sure you’re prepared.

1. Purchase a small ferret and attach it, along with a 10 pound weight and some warm down stuffing, to your midsection using gauze.

2. Be certain that you are unable to see your feet or anything in a 48 inch perimeter around your feet.

3. If you already have children, scatter toys all over the floor and attempt to pick them up without squishing the ferret or tripping on toys that have somehow entered your 48 inch blind spot.

4. Time your bed time with the wake/active time for your ferret. Try to fall asleep while he wriggles around and occasionally bites or jabs you.

5. When you eat out, be sure to order enough food for both you and your ferret. If questioned, announce that you’re eating for two.

6. Take all of your clothes out of your closet. Select the 3 largest and most unattractive shirts and the frumpiest pair of pants you own and set them aside. Make certain that these items will completely conceal the 10 pound weight, down stuffing and ferret. These are the only clothes you’ll be allowed to wear for the next 3 months.

7. Take a piece of large cardboard and tape it to your now rather large belly. On it write, please “Pat my big belly.” Wear this sign where ever you go and speak kindly to anyone who pats your belly or sequesters you for a 5 minute lecture on how to care for your new ferret.

Well, there you go. Welcome to our world. Enjoy!

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My son is almost two months old now.  A few weeks ago, we made our first family outing to Target, and decided to use the Baby Bjorn style carrier rather than the carseat for the baby.  I’d been telling my husband that I loved using it, and that it was kind of like being pregnant on the outside.  After he’d been strapped to our son for half an hour, he said, “This is what being pregnant is like?  My back hurts, I feel self-conscious, and I can’t see where I’m going.” Yep, that’s about right.

Stephanie,
That’s funny!

I suppose that’s easier than my ferret approach…

I love the Baby Bjorn, although, it takes awhile to figure out how to put it on without 10 people helping.

8. Take a huge dose of hormones, and bring your sunglasses with you, because you never know what or who is going to make you cry....
9.  Drink large quantities of water and attempt to pee sitting down, with the ferret and weight attached of course.

Mmmm...good ones Kristin.

All these months I’ve been reading your blog and I never picked up on you having a ferret.  Must be blind or something.

Michelle,
You must assume that I “get” dry, sarcastic humor…

Fortunately, you’re right.

Very funny.

Hmmm… while you make it sound so good, I think I’ll pass actually.

I’m sitting here chuckling. The “lean in towards the screen, smiling and quietly laughing kind.” My son keeps asking what is so funny. “The truth,” I tell him.

A ferret. Yes. Maybe 8. could be: At bedtime try and get into that “special” frame of mind so as to be romantic and seductive, all while the ferret is wiggling about, punching your groin, and making you have to pee every 30 seconds.

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