The Cloud Has Lifted

Posted on 06.27.07 in Faith and there are

What a heavy week this has been for me.

Last Friday I had a biopsy. There was a chance that I had cancer.

I found out today that I don’t. But for five days I thought I did.

When I got the news that I had some abnormal cell growth and I needed to have a biopsy, I immediately went all ”Anne of Green Gables” and imagined the worst. My imagination took me all kinds of places that reality hasn’t.

I thought about a lot of things during the 5 days that I waited for the biopsy results.

My main realization was that my hope is not in Jesus.

I suppose that sounds like a terrible thing for a Christian to say, but - in all honesty - it’s true.

My hope is in growing old with my husband.

My hope is in seeing my kids grow up.

My hope is in enjoying lifelong friendships.

If my hope was in Jesus, if He is what I ultimately hope for, I wouldn’t have been so afraid of a cancer diagnosis because I would have trusted His plan for my family and I would have longed for heaven.

I suppose some of that has to do with the fear of the unknown. I don’t know what it’s like to die. I’ve never experienced heaven.

But when I married my husband I wasn’t afraid to go on our honeymoon to Canada just because I’ve never been to Canada before. I wasn’t afraid to leave my family or change my name. I was completely consumed with the wonderful thought of being his wife.

I want to feel that way about my Savior. 

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Woah!  Glad to hear that it was nothing serious.  Yeah… hope and faith is weird like that and it takes moments like this to kinda shake us up and realize that our faith needs so much more cultivating.

Wow Kat. Im not sure I even know what to say. I am so thankful it turned out non cancerous. I understand exactly what you mean when you say you want to feel that way about our Savior. I personally have a hard time making the lineup go like this: Jesus, husband, children, family, friends, coworkers, ect.....
I think the key for me is to continue to grow in a deeper more passionate relationship with Jesus.

Praise God for good health over Kat!

Kat~ first of all I am so glad for you that you do not have cancer, and that the wait is over.  Waiting for results to things like that are the longest days I have ever experienced. 

I can relate to you on feeling that fear about dying.  For me I realized, after praying a lot to God about it, is that it wasn’t so much a fear, but just that I don’t want to miss out on being with my husband and kids.  I think this is a normal desire, the bible talks a lot about “living to see your childrens children,” (Psalm 128)
Even though I pray all the time that I want to live to see my grandchildren, I ultimately know that Gods will is best for my children’s lives, and my own. 

I am sure this experience in light of the 40 day fast, has made you relate even more so with those that are living with disease, or the sentence of death being near. What a heavy week for you, but Praise God that you are well.

Kat, I’m very glad the results came back good.  I know what you’re talking about.

I mean, I really know.  Before I headed to Norway I was sick for about a week, with extremely low white blood cell counts.  The doc referred me to a hematologist to investigate the possibility of leukemia.  As it turns out, they were jumping the gun and all I was showing was a response to viral infection - but it had me a bit scared and worried about what was going on with me.  I, too, had many of the same feelings you expressed: I didn’t want to leave my family, I wanted to see my kids grow and wife grow old.

I agree with Kristen, though, that I’m not so sure this is an expression of our lack of faith or if it is an expression of the love we have for the people around us.  We fear, I think, not so much death itself as the impact of an untimely death on the people closest to us.  When fear and anxiety enter, reason and understanding can become blurred, and so we wonder about our own faith as well - a viscous cycle, to be sure.  This is why we are reminded so often “do not be afraid”, because fear can wear away at the peace of God in our hearts.

Again, I’m happy to hear the clean bill of health.  It makes me think, though, about the community we have here in blogdom.  In some ways we have all become close - very familiar with each other, supportive in needs, united in purpose.  The unity of the 40 day fast is a great example of this.  But, at the same time, we put up even better masks on-line than we ever could in face-to-face interaction.  Now, this can be a good thing as we open ourselves to persons unknown; a certain amount of protection is needed because it is an open community.  But could it at times be a bad thing?  I didn’t tell anyone online about my leukemia scare, though I definitely coveted the prayers for it and knew that many of these people I chat with would offer prayer for me.  And I don’t plan on full disclosure of my identity any time soon, either.  But at the same time I can’t help but wonder what I/we might be missing.  Just a random thought that came to me in reading this.

(Side note: Mrs. E and I honeymooned in Canada, as well.  But then, it’s not an exclusive club.)

Wow, so you were fasting on the day you had your biopsy?  How did that affect you?  I’m glad you don’t have cancer! 

Euph: I’ve often wondered about that.  Unfortunately my life is public so I don’t have much of a choice.  I have a bio on my band page and a public blog.

Galations 6:2 tells us to bear one anothers burdens and in verse 5 tells us to bear our own.  Context of these verses imply to share things that are too great for you to bear alone.  I think Leukemia might apply

haha - my captcha (or whatever you call it) is

believe42

I am glad you are well, Kat.

Thank you for sharing honestly your feelings about this.

Kat,

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1996 and underwent a double massectomy, reconstructvie surgery, and a 5 year period of medication.  The cancer is completely gone, and she is as healthy as she could ever be.

My mom knows the love of Jesus.  She has an extremely strong faith in Christ.  But when she found out she had cancer, she was afraid.  I remember when she and my dad told me and my brother, we all just stood in the middle of the room and cried in a great big family hug.  There were times when we’d be eating dinner or something and my mom would just burst into tears, shake her head at my dad, and be excused to her room.  She’d stay there for a long time.  We were left looking at each other, wondering what was gonna happen to mom.

I say all this to say:  wanting to be with your family and enjoy the gifts God has given you in this life is a beautiful thing.  Having to leave it some day is why death bites, because of the people left behind, but it doesn’t mean that your desire to be with them should be any less.  Our salvation starts now, and love is a virtue we’ve been given through God.  Using it to its fullest doesn’t mean you love Jesus any less.  In fact, maybe using it to its fullest is being smack dab in the middle of your love for Jesus.

Death wasn’t supposed to be a part of this whole thing.  But it is, and it’s gonna hurt.  One day, maybe we’ll be more ready for it.  But one thing’s for sure, when we get to heaven:  pure bliss.  Pain gone.  Maybe, since its eternity, it will hardly feel like time will pass until we’re with our families again.  I don’t know.  But I know your hope is in Jesus because you teach your children to love Him.  That’s the most important thing you want them to know.  Be encouraged.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.  After all, you can come back from Canada.  The trip to heaven is usually one-way, at least for now.  Plus, I think your hope can be in Christ, who also gave you love for your family.  Glad you are well, and I love the idea of the 40-day blogger fast.  I’m spreading the idea on my blog and have linked to yours. I’ll check in again soon.
-- Chuck

Pete,
Yeah, I was definitely shaken up - and it was great! I mean, now that I’m on the other side of it all. I feel I have a MUCH better perspective on my priorities.

I’ve been a stinkin’ awesome mom this week.

the6stricklands,
I agree, my lineup is the same - in my head - but not always in reality. I’m hoping this experience will help walk that line up out in my daily life.

Kristin,
I think you’re right about not wanting to miss out being a major part of the fear of dying. For me, there’s also the issue that my mom died when I was 9 months old (if you’re confused, it’s my stepmom that’s participating in the 40 day fast), so I’ve always had this lingering fear that I wouldn’t live much longer than she did. I wouldn’t want my girls (and boy) to grow up without their mom and have to deal with those issues.

And you’re definitely spot on about my being able to identify a bit more closely with those for whom we’re praying during the 40 day fast as a result of this past week. The biggest realization I had was how many trivial things upset, stress or worry us. Now, I feel like if I’m healthy, I’ve got nothing to complain about.

Euphrony,
I’m glad you’re ok as well.
You know, I actually didn’t really tell anyone about my biopsy. Jimmy and I just didn’t want to freak anyone out unduly and I think that I needed other people to be normal and not get all dramatic with me.

Where did you go in Canada? We went to Banff.

Amy,
Thanks, friend.

FancyPants,
I imagine that was a really rough time for your family. It’s so encouraging that your mom was able to beat the cancer and be healthier than ever 11 years later. It almost makes me wish I’d said something sooner. During the past 5 days I visited a few websites to try to get an idea of how long people survive after cancer and I had a hard time finding that information - I just don’t think I was searching very well - hearing your mom’s story certainly would have made me feel a bit better about the whole situation.

“In fact, maybe using it to its fullest is being smack dab in the middle of your love for Jesus.”

I think you’re right. I guess I want to somehow love my family as much as I can AND love Jesus even more.

Thanks for the encouragement FancyPants. By the way, when are you doing The Sound of Music?

Chuck,
You’re comment completely cracked me up.

I actually already saw your blog and I’m so encouraged that people are taking the initiative to start their own 40 day fasts! I’m excited about what God has done and is doing among us.

Thanks for stopping by Chuck!

A couple of days in Calgary, a couple in Banff, and a couple in Jasper.  In August 1996.  It was lovely.  Mrs’ E’s dad flies a lot for work and as a wedding gift used his frequent flier miles to but our air tickets.  But, he delayed and by the time he got around to it there was only first class left - bummer, eh.  The flight crew pegged us as newlyweds right away, and as we left the plane they gave us a bottle of champaign.

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