Three Weeks

Posted on 12.19.07 in Faith and there are

Some of you may remember that I had a bit of a cancer scare a few months ago.

Today I went in for a test to make sure that the procedure they did was effective (which it is 90% of the time).

I now have three weeks to wait for test results. Frankly, I think I’ll thoroughly enjoy these three weeks. It’s an invigorating reminder of what’s important, what matters and what is eternal.

I admit that when I had the initial scare, I was pretty freaked out about it. The period of time I had to wait between having that first test done and getting the results was utterly nerve wracking.

I remember playing with my kids or hanging out with friends and, in the midst of conversation and laughter, a weight would fall on me. I’d try to maintain my smile while my mind would take me down every conceivable road that the test results could lead.

I didn’t sleep very well the night before the doctor was supposed to call and I jumped a bit every time my phone rang that day.

Heaviness and dread spent a lot of time with me for those five days.

I can be fearful. Fearful for my husband when he travels. Fearful for my kids when they are sick or trying new things. Fearful for myself. Honestly, I’ve always been afraid of dying young - because my mother did and an irrational part of me feared that meant that I would too.

But at some point between that first test and this one, I realized that fear is a product of vanity. When my hopes and my dreams are my ultimate goal, I am full of fear, because there is so much I can’t control.

But when I close my eyes, open my arms and say, “God, whatever brings you the most glory, that’s what I want.” There isn’t any fear.

I don’t know what day it was when I had that turning point, but it’s been amazing ever since. Truly amazing.

Yes, I still worry about little things like, “Are my kids climbing too high in that tree?” or “Should I tell them not to ride their bikes so fast?”

But the dread of those worst case scenarios is gone. Literally. Gone.

I’m not saying that if my test results come back abnormal that I’ll be thrilled. But whatever the outcome, I can honestly say that I want whatever brings Him the most glory.

Because where His glory is, people find freedom and people find hope. And that’s what I want my life to be about.

The Comments:

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Kat, this is such an inspiring post. It’s a wonderful way to handle adversity in one’s life.  I will be thinking and praying for you.

Thank you, I’ve had a rough day and reading your spiritually post has really helped me. 

I haven’t sent Christmas cards out and may not this year.  We’ll see… We are moving in a few weeks, so things have been crazy around here.  I’m wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas!

Wow. What a lesson. Thank you for sharing!

Merry Christmas~

That’s amazing that you’ve been able to come to that point.  Good and challenging words, thank you.

I’ll be praying for you and your family and hope that you have a wonderful, joyous, and peaceful Christmas!

Kat,

Great response to the unknown.  I am arrogant sometimes and think that I am in control when in fact any bizarre circumstance could end either my life, or my sense of normalcy in a moment.

Thanks for the reminder.  I lost my dad when he was fifty, which is much closer for me now than it used to be.  That haunts me at times too....

We lost my 31 year old Sister-In-Law to blood clots related to pregnacy almost a year ago, and her 2 year old daughter now gets her daily care from my wife.  I sometimes get irritated by the complications that brings, but at the end of the day, I know my Sis-In-Law is with the Lord and my niece is well cared for.

I have prayed for you…

"But at some point between that first test and this one, I realized that fear is a product of vanity. When my hopes and my dreams are my ultimate goal, I am full of fear, because there is so much I can’t control.”

So true.  Thanks for sharing all of this, Kat.  Keep us posted.

OK, sorry to add a technical comment here, but is everything italicized to you?  And if so, is it supposed to be?  I was trying to italicize a quote from your blog in my comment, and then when I posted my comment, all fonts on your site went italics.  Weird.  Am I the only one who sees this?

Fancypants, they are all in italics.

Kat, that is a great lesson that so few ever “get.” My prayers are with you.  My mom had ovarian cancer, and God touched her life with healing, back when noone survived cancer.  I am grateful, because I was 6 years old then.  My wife’s sister had lymph cancer and died at 33. 

Its not in our control.  “i don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but I know who holds my future, and I know who holds my hand...”

A good friend just beat cancer.  45 years old, caught it early, and the treatment worked.  Stay positive even if the report is negative.

I remember those feelings from my own cancer scare about a year ago. A wife and two young kids, who was going to be their Dad if I was gone? A really dark few days.

For me the turning point came while reading the Psalms one particular day. The ones for that day began “The Lord reigns!” and I knew that was the issue for me. Either he did and he knew what he was doing, or he didn’t and I was lost.

For me that question is now settled in a deep way that it wasn’t before. He is my King, and I will trust him. No matter what.

Maybe the only way I could know that with certainty was to go to a place I would never go on my own. Anyway, it was in those darkest places that I did come to know it.

Great post, Kat.  It’s easy to say the things you are saying, but so much more difficult to live them out.  Very inspiring!

Thats truly an amazing post girl. I appreciate your honesty and willing to share such deep feelings. What you say is so true, “Because where His glory is, people find freedom and people find hope.” That’s what I want my life to be about too.

I am proud to call you my friend, Kat.

Love,
K

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I was a bit hesitant about posting this entry, but I’m really glad did.

Amy H.
You’re moving? Clearly I need to email you...I haven’t seen you in forever.

Albert,
I love what you said in your comment. Those are great truths…

FancyPants,
I fixed it. I replaced the italics with quotes. The reason it did that is because the “Recent Quotes” excerpt over in the right hand column posted your comment and the opening italics code, but not the ending italics code. It would have corrected itself as soon as more people commented and bumped you off the list.

Thanks for letting me know, though! I need to do something about that so that won’t happen.

psalm8410,
Aww....thanks! We need to do some serious hanging out after the holidays. I have a $25 Starbucks gc so that should last us awhile.

Amen, Kat.

praying for you Kat.  Glad that you are not full of fear this time, and hoping that the results come back sooner!

Oh my gosh, this is so inspiring. Your heart for God is so encouraging. Thank you for sharing.

Long time lurker, first time caller..

It is amazing how God can use something like waiting for test results to change our perspectives.  My wife recently underwent some similar tests.  One night between the test and the results, she said that if the results were not good news, then she was getting a Dog.  We’d been delaying getting a dog until we got a fence in the backyard, or the kids were older or one of a hundred other excuses.  She reasoned that if her time was shorter than anticipated, she wanted to live life to the fullest, and a dog was a part of that.  That statement changed our lives.  If the test results are possitive we would, what, muddle along per usual through life? 

Glad to say that the test results were negative.  Also glad to say that the new puppy is biting my toes as I type.

thank you Kat...needed that more than ya know.

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