Ultimate Survivor: Suburbia - The Grocery Store with Children Challenge

Posted on 04.28.06 in Parenthood and there are 16 comments.

Survivor: Suburbia

They should create a new season of Survivor called Survivor: Suburbia.

Better Than A Million Dollars

It would only last 7 hours, from 6:00am when the participant is rudely awakened by a small body propelling itself onto theirs while yelling in an attempted whisper, “Mommy!!! Are yooouuu awwwaaaaakeee?!!!!”, to 1:00pm when the reward isn’t a million dollars, but rather a 2.5 hour nap. A glorious, I-couldn’t-survive-if-my-kids-didn’t-take-a-2.5-hour-nap nap.

The Grocery Store with Children Challenge

I imagine that one of the challenges would be The Grocery Store with Children challenge. The participants would be required to shop for a list of 120 items with an additional 30 items that must be remembered, but not written down.

The Participants

To prevent any harm to real children, participants will have to carry in a slippery octupus (to simulate an infant) and a deaf monkey, the howling kind (to simulate a toddler - who is apparently deaf to all parental commands). They have to be carried in from the back of the store parking lot because a car full of teenagers will take the only close up parking spot. A severe penalty will be imposed if either the octupus or monkey are dropped.

Selecting A Cart

At this point, the participant needs to select a cart:

• Fun Car Cart - far too small to hold all 150 items needed from store, but may keep slippery octupus and howling, deaf monkey calm and quiet while shopping.


• Limo Cart - It has a seat area on the front for children (or in this case - primates and invertebrae), and it will hold all items needed on list. However, this cart is difficult to maneuver as it is about 47 feet long.


• Standard Cart - This cart offers a large basket as well as straps to help confine the participant’s monkey and octupus, but said passengers, will be located in close proximity to the participant. Participant may be subject to physical protests from passengers in the event that passengers select an item from the store that is not on the list and must be returned to the shelf. Participant may be kicked, hit or sprayed with ink.

The Chaos Begins

Once the cart has been selected, the participant will begin shopping, at which point, the slippery octupus will extend all appendages and continually grab unwanted items and put them in the basket and knock other things off the shelves. Meanwhile the deaf, howling monkey will begin howling at 120 decibels. Participant must be able to make wise financial and dietary purchases while attempting to contain the octupus and trying to minimize the sound level of the monkey. A smile and happy voice must be maintained through out the challenge.

The Challenge

Each participant is given two treats to use to alleviate the mischeif of their animal passengers. Timing the use of these treats is crucial. Too early, and the participant is left without a bargaining chip. Too late and the “children’ may be past the point of appeasement. When the participant determines that the time is right, she pulls out a squid and a banana and gives them to the appropriate animal.

Since all reality shows have a disgusting element and few children finish all of their snacks, both the octupus and howling, deaf monkey will return one third of their respective snacks for the participant to either:

• carry for the remainder of the challenge


• or stuff in their pockets

The Gauntlet of Fire

Finally, the participant will arrive at the checkout line - aka “The Gauntlet of Fire.” At this point, the slippery octupus will be feverishly reaching for M&M’s, Butterfingers, Reeses Pieces while knocking beef jerky and lip balm on the floor. The participant must replace all displaced items to their respective boxes and the octupus must be removed from the cart and held by the participant. In protest, the octupus will flail its appendages and then spray ink all over the participant’s clothes.

Meanwhile, the howling monkey will be ramping up to 150 decibels and the person in front of the participant will have 5 items needing a price check. Again, participant must maintain a smile and happy voice.

The Winner

The winner of The Grocery Store with Children Challenge will be the participant who emerges from the store - sane and with two living and unharmed animals.

But Wait....There’s More

I don’t have any ginsu knives to give away, but if you liked this post, be sure to check out some of my other favorite funny posts:
I Think My Husband Is Flame Retardant
What NOT To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

Or read the post that sparked a movement:
Please Don’t Look Away

The Comments:

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Somebody’s on a roll, funny girl!  This is great.  Not only does it feed my need for daily amusement, but it’s about the most effective birth control I’ve ever come across!

Daily? Oh the pressure. I don’t know if I can churn this stuff out daily! Although, it IS pretty therapeutic for me.

You know, the funny thing is that I really absolutely adore being a parent. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life, and there are some difficult days, but all it takes is one of my children pitter pattering over to me, looking up and saying, “Hold me, Mommy” and it’s like I have parental amnesia and all I can think about is how I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

Hey there.  what a game.  definitely effective birth control but, I will have to say, that i may be getting in the mood to have our own little octapus or monkey. 

you should send the Idea to Fox.

cheers! 

btw, I love your blog layout.  very nice!

Thanks for stopping by Seth. Go for it! Parenthood has been the most lifechanging thing I’ve ever done and I cherish every minute of it.....some more than others.

Oh don’t worry, I find amusement in many forms.  I’m easily amused.  I don’t expect daily genius from you… just frequent genius!

[...] Please pray it won’t rain or we’ll all be stuck inside like sardines with lots of slippery octopi and monkeys. [...]
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Stinkin’ hilarious!!!!!

After the day I’ve had, I needed to read this.

Funny stuff.

Come on!!!  This is sooo good.  I just took my 5 to the store with me today!  Broke a sweat before we even got out of the van.  You see, they all get the “talk” before we leave the nice privacy of the van.  You know, “the talk” where it really needs to fall on certain ears, otherwise, we get those looks from people who don’t have children or only have 1 child and he/she is perfect and would never act up in public.  Oh, I could go on here and maybe win this Survivor game.

BYW: Do you win if you eat your young???  (just kdding folks-don’t send the mad mail my way. 

I am adding you to my blogroll, please add me to yours!  I’m just starting out in the blog world and could use all the help I can get! I am hosting a children’s book giveaway next month, be sure to stop by! 

Take care,
somecrumbs

How do things like this come in your head? I’m still laughing and the best part is...it’s almost true! Every single word you said and meant it to be funny is almost true. You should see the race I’m having with my kids in the store.

At least you have your kids to wake you up. Last time someone woke me whispering it was the cleaning lady telling me with a frightened voice : “Your house is on fire, please weak up!”

LOL....too funny!! I only have to deal with ONE 5-yr-old but even THAT is a bit of an ordeal.

funny stuff to imagine dawn. BTW i got some issues with my kids too some time.

So funny! You should be a professional comedian, this would work great in a stand up I think.  Something very original about comparing a child to a octopus or howling baboon :D And Limo cart sounds like fun. Going too read more of your stuff :D

This is great fun to read but less fun to do.  I have 1 yr old twins, so there should be a bonus round.  I have described bath time like trying to wrangle greased up wet baby seals...that bite.  Thanks for the laugh.  I need it!

this...is freakin’ genius. Add that to stuffing said car/minivan with the bags full of 150 items...around the stroller, pack-n-play and other kid paraphernalia—first...then shut the door with out anything falling out! ...and you win.

Kicking, screaming, and crying is what I have to survive through every grocery store visit....My son is kicking, my daughter screaming, and I’m doing the crying....and that’s just getting the cart!  Thanks for the funny post!

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